Probably Approximately Correct

If god appears before me and says, “the world is going to end, only you and someone else of your choice will be spared”. At the first look, I do not if it is a boon or a bane! But, If I am forced to make a choice; I have no doubts in my mind - who my first choice will be. Rather, it will be my first 100 choices and the second distinct choice will surely come in at a lowly 101th position.

Looking back at my life over the past 23 odd years. I have no doubt to say that the last 6 have been most influential. I would also say they have been the most entertaining. The first 17-18 years were monotonous and the Prasant that existed for the first three-quarters was (I can dare to say) boring and liked to keep himself away from most of the things.

For most of my childhood, I only had myself to look at. I was at school inside NSTL (a research organization) and my schedule was that of a typical child - My dad used to drop me in school by 8:30 and at a school, we know it does not take a lot to spend/while away time! I used to hang around in the school till 5:00 and that was the time when my dad would come and pick me up :-) There were about 4-5 hours to spend at home and the usual stuff filled up my time - playing video games, may be a movie and any sport that was telecasted. For some reason, the life at school and at home were completely independent. I would say the co-relation between the two worlds was zero! May be even negative!

And then came the moment, after an average performance in the class X exams. My Dad decided to keep me away from the usual stress of an engineering exam and I would say, risked me and sent me off to a place named Puttaparti, on the banks of river chitravati. It was school which promises all round development of the child by making him a part of various extra-curricular activities like usually sports, games and also singing :P Not that I had a voice after I left that place - at least I learnt some carols, Islamic verses and some vedic chants — It was a truly secular experience in that sense :-)

It was a weird place in the sense that it was highly structured and disciplined — The schedule starts at 5:00 am in the morning with a small prayer and a routine drill of physical training for about an hour. The Classes start at 8:30 am and used to go on till 3:00pm. And then another set of physical activities ensured that the evening was busy. The only time we were asked to study was from 7:30pm to 9:30 - and the day ends there. There were no exceptions - you are forced into bed by 9:30. In a way, it was good - it ensured a good healthy schedule and brought some orderliness into my life. As always with any other scheme - the good is always accompanied by the bad. That was no exception to me as well - the bad part happened to be the fact that I was forced into a shell and to gain control over emotions and to gather strength to overcome the hostile atmosphere - I literally shut down myself. I sort of made survival my only goal. Sometimes, you see the only goals you can set yourself are just survival and you tend to protect your natural self. My natural self since early days in life has been being lazy - at everything, always postpone things to the last second. I was so lazy that I never cared to read the usual child’s favourite stuff like may be Hardy boys or the card games or any other hobby which say requires minimal physical effort. All I had done was to watch tv - an effortless activity :-)

So, by the end of my stay - I came out as a stubborn, aggressive individual who had no idea what was the world outside! I was so dumb. All I realized that I was really low on confidence, general information which people had. I should say I was slightly skewed in terms of the cultures. I had no idea about the franca Lingua (common language/traits to convey emotions and feelings). I never understood what can be told or what cannot be. I was sort of fighting a lone battle. By the time, I finished my studies over there - I lost all my contacts of school friends. Oh, I did not tell you that in the school at puttaparti - There was a literally no contact with outside world! In those days, e-mails or cell phones were not at a rage. You were only only allowed to write a letter and I knew that people/students outside had very little chance to write a letter - they hardly have any time to finish up their curriculum. So, at the end of my secondary school (class 12), I was only looking at myself and literally none. All I knew was my Dad and mom. It was really a low moment for me. I spent entire summer writing some competitive exams and ofcourse my dad understood me and took good care of me. He realized I badly needed some exposure and some freedom to recover my good old free spirit. I managed to get the Last Rank in JEE Mains and a decent rank in the AIEEE exam. Would you believe that I refused to come to counselling and my dad literally dragged me in and you know what - he filled my options and I was literally standing at the exit of the room. My Dad was wise enough to organize my options and I made it into a little known Computer Science Institute.

It was in these circumstances, I entered into IIIT on July the 24th and what followed was chaotic for the first few months. In lieu of my stay at the earlier place, I was again aloof, stayed away from anything and everything. I used to sleep at 9:30 or 10:00 and wake up by 6:00 (beyond that I could not sleep :P). Probably, an outcome of following a well-drilled schedule for about 2 years.

I still remember the day - it was about a month into the college and I was into my cozy bed by 10:00pm. It was then a crazy guy comes to my room, bangs the door hard at around 12:00 in the midnight. It was the very first time I had seen him. He was probably running - I could see he was exhausted. He had an unusual charisma - not the usual thing I knew of. All all through my life (till then) - I saw different types of people. But, this guy was really disgusting. I hated to see him. He was clad in clothes which were like yaaak - you what I am saying - The dress was full of dirt, stink and a frame which was really unique. He was flat footed, chubby, a tinch of baldness (?) when you look at his hair. All this in the middle of sleep and He blabbered the following, “Praveen’s Birthday celebrations are on, everyone is there - only you are not around. I came to take you.” I put up an expression which probably made him feel - I wondering who Praveen was! He murmured back - “Praveen, Praveen; He is the guy who sits besides you in the class everyday!” I gave him back a serious look and told him - “I am off for the day and I am sleeping”. He tried to convince me by showcasing the drinks and the cakes/desserts on offer. Ruthlessly (I was!) I shut down the door on him. The door was closed with such venom that I am sure any mortal/sensible person who have hated me for more than a lifetime! I guessed that probably this was the last time - He would talk to me. Not that I cared for it. After mercilessly shutting the door on him - I happily slept through the night.

I had a nightmare when it comes to my classes in the first year. English class from Appanna was the most horrible and harassing class I have been to in my life. He was a piece of **** - believe me, he was literally. Physics and Maths were not any better as well - but the large size of class made me feel better. I was lucky in that I had the good company sudha, sana and siddhu for the classes and other non-academic stuff. I wonder will such moments will ever turn up again in my life - the total careless attitude and give a damn outside towards anything and everything in life. Only class, I cared about was C-Programming; well not really cared but managed to do the assignments in quick time and even helped guys around me.

The life back in the hostels was cool and had excellent company in the form of Raguram - this guy is a genius. He made me wonder for his amazing abilities. He was too good with math and physics - which are not baffling ofcourse. But, this fella’s drawings were really awesome and his imagination literally out of the world. And there was Jimmy - I should say he was lost in his own world :-)

Nearly a month and a half passed - there was no sign of this mysterious guy (who broke my sleep) around. I was pleased that I rarely saw him around and glad that I never met him :-) It was in one of the end semester exams of a course named Digital Logic Design (I suppose) - I came out of the exam hall and in my usual way trying to evade everyone else and take the longest route back to the room so that I can avoid as many guys/gals as possible! I felt someone trying to catch my shoulder and give a pat on my back. It was the dark skinned devil again - This time he comes up to me and says, “I screwed up the exam. I doubt I can get even a couple of problems correct. And then, he paused.” In my own style, “I gave him a look suggesting my intentions of giving a damn to him or his performance.” But then, not withstanding his natural instincts started asking me about my performance in the exam. I told him I had finished almost all the problems with the exception of possibly one and give a stare which meant - “Go and get along with work. Do not deal with me!” I did not turn back and went on with my journey back to my room. I hoped that I scared him enough that I will not see this guy for the rest of my college if not for life. The semester ended and I took a break, went home; refreshed myself and was back for the registration of my second term at college.

I was in the registration queue and I could sense something was not going well. And as it happens so many times, the devil enters; this time he was really funny - can clearly see that he has neither bathed not changed the overnight dress and came rushing to register in time straight from the bed. My feelings went from bad to worse and my bad - he came and stood right after me! That was a moment which I can never forget - I regretted being right next to him.

True to his natural instincts and as expected, this person (whom I had no idea of) out of the blue says, “This semester there is a course called Data Structures. It is really tough and it will be taught by a taskmaster. It will be great if we can pass it and get through to the next term.” Upon listening this, I went mad and told him on his face,“Stop this non-sense. Why are you talking to me. I do not know you. I do not know you name. What the heck is wrong with you? Why should I care for your opinions about a god forsaken course.” He smiled back to say,“Hehe… I am cautioning you so that are aware of this fact. But, it is tough and If you get an A I will give you a party at Paradise.” I confirmed to myself at that point that this guy is indeed mad. What is wrong with him - First of all, I ask to shut up and even after humiliating him so many times; he comes up to me and offers me a treat if I happen to crack a course! I said to myself that this guy is nuts and moved on. But, then on the way back to my room he persisted and gave me no option but to say, “Ok. Let us see!” The semester has just started and I was really hoping that I would not run into this creature once more.

But (un)fortunately, I could never keep this scum away from me for any significant length of time! But believe me, I tried to the best of my capacity to thwart him. I tried all sorts of things - things like trying to humiliate him at every opportunity, tried to hurt his confidence etc. etc. But, no matter I did — he always reappeared! Nothing seemed to be affecting him. Such was his shamelessness and also, my hatred towards him that - I never talked any good to him and always unkind and dismissive to any thing he says/offers.

To see how the semester unfolded and what ensured later - you have to wait till the next post :D

It has been eons since I blogged. The reasons, however, are not really worthy of being listed. It has been nearly 6 months since I arrived at MIT. I thought it is a good time to recollect the good old days of the past and the new ME which started to emerge from the old ME.

The biggest test for an individual is when he at crossroads. Not the physical ones - physical ones only take you to a wrong destination. There is, of course, the disappointment in not reaching the destination; however on the brighter side, during the journey - you never realize you were on road to a different destination than you set out for. Thus, at any point you do not have contradictory feelings. You either feel great or bad at not being at your desired destination.

The crossroads I am referring to are the emotional and the intellectual ones - When I look deep inside me these days - I can see the reconstruction going on. Slowly but steadily, the old self and more importantly, the old code that I was running while at IIIT is being transformed. Since the last few days, I can sense it - there is an realization deep within. The realization goes deep; so deep that it begins to question the very purpose - which I started with.

I know deep inside that I had my share of luck in getting the admit. I know tons of peers around me (while at IIIT) who could tear me apart in an technical event/debate and more so in a non-technical stuff. Elaborating more, the days at IIIT were spent in trying to be someone whom I was not. Very few people, know what I was. Probably, Yaso (?) I cannot guarantee even that!

The quest while at IIIT can be summed up as - “Attempts to be indistinguishable from the best/average in the class, that is to get into Grade A or B (if you were settling to be at class average).” Most of my classes fall in this category :-) There were things I cared about to be indistinguishable from the top and also stuff I cared so little that I would settle for a ‘B’ or even a ‘C’.

While at MIT - this philosophy has been literally torn apart into pieces. Well, it all started with the same goal. Until one fine day, when someone called me up and asked me to talk about something (which I happened to study the previous term). It was here that I felt humiliated for not giving a suitable answer for the various questions posed - Why this, Why not this, What if I change the parameters, What if I skip this etc. etc. It was then I realized that one should learn for the joy of things and for seeking a better understanding of things/apparatus around you. This, of course, is a minor thing. But, certainly a point which requires you to introspect if you want to do something meaningful.

Well, this is not a great change and many would say - “Expected, given the lad has taken up a study at the graduate level”. I was satisfied with this answer for a couple of months. But, then you see the undergrads performing really well at various grad course in MIT - how is that happening over here (?)! It was then I realized that the difference stems from the methodology of teaching. At places like MIT, courses are offered for helping out the average and improving the skill of an average student. The aim is to let him understand, learn and apply things. More importantly, the onus of the course is not to finish the stipulated pages/chapters in the text book. This, I think, is the cause No. 1 for the failure of graduate school in India. There are far too many courses - whose sole purpose is to finish the book rather than measuring the knowledge imparted to an average student in the class.

The professors usually come to class with the intend of finishing a topic. However, in retrospect the objective should be that student understands the topic and will be able to use it when needed. For this to happen, he needs to understand the purpose of a course - say something like DS/AI/Discrete Maths - what is this particular course taught, what questions a course is trying to answer etc. Once they an idea of that - they can extend their knowledge. The entire process must be made joyful. But once, the student has lost the joy of learning - I am sure he can never reach the top of the summit. I think this happens to most of the students by the end of their 2nd year! But the management thinks otherwise - research is the quest. Asking them to be researchers on a topic after they miss the joy would be like -

Wanting to play in football WC and win the final. Well, you know if you are in the finals - corners, free-kicks, crosses and penalty kicks matter the most. So, everyday we get into the field and start practicing penalties. But, the problem is that for the match to go to penalties you should have lasted 90+ mins on the pitch. No matter how good are your skills - if you cannot manage to run around 10kms over the 90 mins - you cannot match the opponent. The most important thing is to train, run, sprint, go to the gym - put in around 2-3 hours over there to gain the physical strength and the mental endurance to last for the complete match.

But, we seem to be suggesting the other way round - we do not want stamina and the long hours of work out at gym. But, rather feel we only need good skills at taking penalties. It is but for obvious that we are bound to fail as we will not last the entire match.

I personally feel this is where we are heading - students are not lasting at 4/5 years in their complete academic health. They are exhausted and want to go out. They do not train themselves well as the training philosophy is flawed. Unless, the courses turn into centers of knowledge transfer and take care of the average student and the content imparted to him - the students can never have the mental strength/training required to last for the entire duration. But training is hard - only way we can make it a habit is if we make learning a fun and joyful activity. So, the heart of the problem is the Pedagogy methodology being used! Unless, they mend their aims and concentrate on creating an ambient atmosphere in class - the student cannot last the 4-5 years of under-graduation leave alone creating better graduate programs. As Edison rightly said - Genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. You need the patience, perseverance needed along the journey.

So, what crossroads was I referring - All this seems good and someone from outside would say - “I think you are making progress, so what is the problem.” Well, the problem is that you carry the images of a joyful life - Imagine life at under-grad: All I waited for in the day was the midnight biryani and a couple of movies and scores of friends and people around you willing to spend time exactly as what you are imagining it to be! And the life now - you have lots of time, alright and also lots of other interesting stuff! But, all of it comes with a caveat - the caveat is that the higher you get, a tag of (increasing) responsibility is attached and you have to take of too many things. People around you expect you to be making a choice based on interest and expect you to be mature! As you get deeper into life - the more of all this is expected. So, I can see myself in both states almost all through the day - happy for a certain set of things and also sad for a different set of things. You fear what you may become in future.

Things suddenly appear worthless and you starting doubting the goals you have set for yourself. You can see the good old days and at the same time the need to move on leaving the past behind. The future (if reached) might be equally joyful and great once you are there. But, it is the journey which puts all your character to test. I think it is all in the mind. It is the mind which plays around with you and keeps teasing by showcasing various things - things which are only good during imagination.

The folklore is that the journey apparently is tough and very few have managed to get through it. There is also the other section which says, “Never take life seriously - nobody has come out of it alive!” I really do not know any of this - All I wished was that I remained a child throughout. Irrespective of all this I join in unison with Bill Gates to say - “Life is unfair my friend, Get used to it.”