Probably Approximately Correct

It has been eons since I blogged. The reasons, however, are not really worthy of being listed. It has been nearly 6 months since I arrived at MIT. I thought it is a good time to recollect the good old days of the past and the new ME which started to emerge from the old ME.

The biggest test for an individual is when he at crossroads. Not the physical ones - physical ones only take you to a wrong destination. There is, of course, the disappointment in not reaching the destination; however on the brighter side, during the journey - you never realize you were on road to a different destination than you set out for. Thus, at any point you do not have contradictory feelings. You either feel great or bad at not being at your desired destination.

The crossroads I am referring to are the emotional and the intellectual ones - When I look deep inside me these days - I can see the reconstruction going on. Slowly but steadily, the old self and more importantly, the old code that I was running while at IIIT is being transformed. Since the last few days, I can sense it - there is an realization deep within. The realization goes deep; so deep that it begins to question the very purpose - which I started with.

I know deep inside that I had my share of luck in getting the admit. I know tons of peers around me (while at IIIT) who could tear me apart in an technical event/debate and more so in a non-technical stuff. Elaborating more, the days at IIIT were spent in trying to be someone whom I was not. Very few people, know what I was. Probably, Yaso (?) I cannot guarantee even that!

The quest while at IIIT can be summed up as - “Attempts to be indistinguishable from the best/average in the class, that is to get into Grade A or B (if you were settling to be at class average).” Most of my classes fall in this category :-) There were things I cared about to be indistinguishable from the top and also stuff I cared so little that I would settle for a ‘B’ or even a ‘C’.

While at MIT - this philosophy has been literally torn apart into pieces. Well, it all started with the same goal. Until one fine day, when someone called me up and asked me to talk about something (which I happened to study the previous term). It was here that I felt humiliated for not giving a suitable answer for the various questions posed - Why this, Why not this, What if I change the parameters, What if I skip this etc. etc. It was then I realized that one should learn for the joy of things and for seeking a better understanding of things/apparatus around you. This, of course, is a minor thing. But, certainly a point which requires you to introspect if you want to do something meaningful.

Well, this is not a great change and many would say - “Expected, given the lad has taken up a study at the graduate level”. I was satisfied with this answer for a couple of months. But, then you see the undergrads performing really well at various grad course in MIT - how is that happening over here (?)! It was then I realized that the difference stems from the methodology of teaching. At places like MIT, courses are offered for helping out the average and improving the skill of an average student. The aim is to let him understand, learn and apply things. More importantly, the onus of the course is not to finish the stipulated pages/chapters in the text book. This, I think, is the cause No. 1 for the failure of graduate school in India. There are far too many courses - whose sole purpose is to finish the book rather than measuring the knowledge imparted to an average student in the class.

The professors usually come to class with the intend of finishing a topic. However, in retrospect the objective should be that student understands the topic and will be able to use it when needed. For this to happen, he needs to understand the purpose of a course - say something like DS/AI/Discrete Maths - what is this particular course taught, what questions a course is trying to answer etc. Once they an idea of that - they can extend their knowledge. The entire process must be made joyful. But once, the student has lost the joy of learning - I am sure he can never reach the top of the summit. I think this happens to most of the students by the end of their 2nd year! But the management thinks otherwise - research is the quest. Asking them to be researchers on a topic after they miss the joy would be like -

Wanting to play in football WC and win the final. Well, you know if you are in the finals - corners, free-kicks, crosses and penalty kicks matter the most. So, everyday we get into the field and start practicing penalties. But, the problem is that for the match to go to penalties you should have lasted 90+ mins on the pitch. No matter how good are your skills - if you cannot manage to run around 10kms over the 90 mins - you cannot match the opponent. The most important thing is to train, run, sprint, go to the gym - put in around 2-3 hours over there to gain the physical strength and the mental endurance to last for the complete match.

But, we seem to be suggesting the other way round - we do not want stamina and the long hours of work out at gym. But, rather feel we only need good skills at taking penalties. It is but for obvious that we are bound to fail as we will not last the entire match.

I personally feel this is where we are heading - students are not lasting at 4/5 years in their complete academic health. They are exhausted and want to go out. They do not train themselves well as the training philosophy is flawed. Unless, the courses turn into centers of knowledge transfer and take care of the average student and the content imparted to him - the students can never have the mental strength/training required to last for the entire duration. But training is hard - only way we can make it a habit is if we make learning a fun and joyful activity. So, the heart of the problem is the Pedagogy methodology being used! Unless, they mend their aims and concentrate on creating an ambient atmosphere in class - the student cannot last the 4-5 years of under-graduation leave alone creating better graduate programs. As Edison rightly said - Genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. You need the patience, perseverance needed along the journey.

So, what crossroads was I referring - All this seems good and someone from outside would say - “I think you are making progress, so what is the problem.” Well, the problem is that you carry the images of a joyful life - Imagine life at under-grad: All I waited for in the day was the midnight biryani and a couple of movies and scores of friends and people around you willing to spend time exactly as what you are imagining it to be! And the life now - you have lots of time, alright and also lots of other interesting stuff! But, all of it comes with a caveat - the caveat is that the higher you get, a tag of (increasing) responsibility is attached and you have to take of too many things. People around you expect you to be making a choice based on interest and expect you to be mature! As you get deeper into life - the more of all this is expected. So, I can see myself in both states almost all through the day - happy for a certain set of things and also sad for a different set of things. You fear what you may become in future.

Things suddenly appear worthless and you starting doubting the goals you have set for yourself. You can see the good old days and at the same time the need to move on leaving the past behind. The future (if reached) might be equally joyful and great once you are there. But, it is the journey which puts all your character to test. I think it is all in the mind. It is the mind which plays around with you and keeps teasing by showcasing various things - things which are only good during imagination.

The folklore is that the journey apparently is tough and very few have managed to get through it. There is also the other section which says, “Never take life seriously - nobody has come out of it alive!” I really do not know any of this - All I wished was that I remained a child throughout. Irrespective of all this I join in unison with Bill Gates to say - “Life is unfair my friend, Get used to it.”

Dear Prof. Srinathan, Anuj, Piyush and Pranav:

I am glad that I have fulfilled my commitments towards the group in 2009.  But before I can go ahead to give you more commitments, I need to clear my doubts about the way we will be functioning and whether the group shall support my aims or will things remain same? As of now even after the discussion, nothing has changed for me. The discussion that we held a couple of days ago has not come to any conclusion. I am still unsure from where can I gather some hope/trust for myself. Till I can gather some trust, I am still committed to my decision of staying away from anything related to the group.

I was not finding a time to discuss all these things in person and hence the mail. My stand is quite clear, I am not even interested in taking a degree. Unless I can find some trust, I will find it really tough to take part in your next mission. So currently,  kindly don’t include me in any of your plans. Rather, I have lost all plans for me as well. In short, I am disowning the group.

Regards,
Prasant Gopal

This  was  the mail I sent to my group along which I completed a year long work on a problem and having successfully solved three problems and communicating those articles to the best conferences in theory . Why did I send this mail in the first place? I have sent competitive articles to the best possible places. What else can I ask for? But is that all that we seek from research - Pick up a problem, solve & send and again pick up a problem. Is  that all we are up to in an MS/PhD. programme? Do we undergo a (under) graduate programme only to get our dog-tags — By dog-tags, I mean the numbers (CGPA, articles published  etc.)  and the various other experimental results/graphs. Slowly but steadily, Are these numbers becoming the signatures of our life?

Of course, one advantage of undergoing an (20 year) educational process is that - it ensures a safer route in making us financially secure - which I will never contest. There are also other (hidden) goals/pursuits involved in going through the entire process. As Srinathan pointed it out in his post of Academic Aura, we also pursue academics in order to appreciate the things happening around you in a better way and to the fullest extent possible.

When I look back in as to why I had to send such a mail to the person/group - without which I cannot even dream to live; I have to at least take you back into April 08 — Plans and arrangements were on at a brisk pace for the batch trip. Even Anuj was busy with his batch trip. It was then that the group meets and  decides we have to write an article to FoCS (Foundations of Computer Science) and we have a week left in our hands. For me and Anuj, accepting that decision would simply mean that the batch trip would be out of the window. The decision was not an easy one - at one end there were the friends, batch and at the other end- the group which had literally given us (literally) everything - understanding, confidence, training to come to terms with life and more importantly peace. To any person, we would have told a flat NO on his face; but to Srinathan we couldn’t. And hence, we were left with no other option but to skip the batch trip and for doing a so we keep getting rockets from our friends even till date. You have to understand that it was a decision which was, basically, not in our hands.

Srinathan has won over us as an individual that we, probably, can never tell him a NO. To put in perspective, if it is not for Srinathan’s pressure I would have rejected the MIT admit and of course, if even at this  point he tells, “Dear Prasant, You have to be here.” Let me tell you, I will have no second thoughts in choosing what to do. Srinathan has won us over our hearts and staying back with him is the least thing I can do. Let me be frank at this point - Srinathan never paid me any stipend nor can he place me at a good MNC with his influence nor send me for an intern to any place (probably not even to HCU, TiFR or IISc) but he has certainly given me a life! He has defined life for me and the rest of our group. Srinathan is a soft spoken person and believes in a simple thing - questioning everything (which even we may manage do!), but there is a difference we question others but Srinathan questions himself and finds an answer from within - for how many people can question themselves on a doubt arising from the outside and find an answer from inside. Srinathan’s principles are simple, uncomplicated and vivid - there is no rocket science about them.

So, after our respective batches left for their trips we started to put in some effort to get the mission on track. As the deadline drew closer, the efforts and the concentration were taking a hit due to fatigue and other reasons. It was a unique experience for me - as it was the first time I was writing an article (including giving the solutions and their proofs) completely. It was also a roller coaster -  As I began writing about 2 days from the deadline and it kept going till the deadline. It was probably the first time I stayed awake for nearly 40 hours. After nearly 40 hours, we submitted a couple of papers. By the time,we uploaded the final versions it was about 5:30 am. Me, Anuj, Pranav, Piyush and Srinathan went for a long walk and then, finally retired for the day. I was not planning to sleep for a longer time as I have to travel home on that day. It was around 13:30 when I received a message from Srinathan reading, “Dear Prasant: I have withdrawn our papers!” I was absolutely dumbstruck by this. I have to admit that my brain stopped working for a couple of minutes and I even wondered whether it was  a dream. By the time I realized I was not in a dream, I had to leave to the station and catch my train. After I boarded the train - I called Srinathan and literally blasted him for withdrawing “my” work without my permission (A comment on my possessiveness is due later). Srinathan patiently listened to all and told me that we can talk in depth once you are back from your place. By the time, I was back we had received a couple of rejection mails as well.

I still remember, after I returned back we had a quite a long meeting. I think it ran for nearly 4 hours. It was in this session I barraged Srinathan with questions after questions  and he kept answering them patiently -

Our doubts were on the rejections and we were quite furious that the reviewers of our article did not do review our articles in proper light and hence the reviewers dished out injustice upon us. All through this, Srinathan was smiling at us and I could not resist but ask him - “You have to be mad to smile even after such ridiculous reviews and set backs?” To which, Srinathan starts as follows -  “Dear Prasant: You should learn how to enjoy yourself. Enjoying is an art form. I feel you should be able to see the things in the right way. More than that - You should have the right expectations. For instance, if Sachin Tendulkar feels only a century(victory in a match) makes cricket enjoyable, then more often than not - Sachin should be down in the dumps. However, if Sachin makes playing(batting, bowling and even fielding) cricket an enjoyable process - there can be no end to his joy and hence he can remain in enjoyable state forever. Let me make myself clear - If Roger Federer tells to himself that only a trophy shall make me happy, then he is in for a tough and miserable life. However, if he enjoys playing tennis then everyday will be a great one!

Along the same lines - I feel you should enjoy doing research(or in our case problem solving), if you base it on the acceptance/rejections given by another set of people; then you are in for a miserable life. You should be able to move on. Let me tell you a small story -

It so happened once that, a preceptor(guru) and his disciples were taking a tour of the entire country. At a place named Chitravati, they came to a river. On the banks of the river, they spot a beautiful young woman - she was unable to cross the river. So, she comes upto the preceptor(guru) and seeks his help to take her across the river. The preceptor takes the woman into his arms, carries her over the river and leaves her on the other bank. Looking at the entire sequences of the events - the disciples were spellbound and were wondering at this act of the preceptor. They started chattering about the various things which the preceptor had told them regarding woman and how to maintain chastity. Upon hearing disturbances among the disciples, the preceptor immediately turns back and seeks what is troubling them. The disciples start to explain that you have asked us to keep away from woman, but you have carried her over the river in your arms. We are confused. To which the preceptor replies - “I have carried her alright but I left her at the river bed  but you are still carrying her with you in your thoughts!”

Srinathan, now, puts the story into our context. He says, “The accepts/rejects should be left behind and you should move ahead with your research and passion.” Don’t carry them with you for a long time, they will hurt you big time. So, one should have a passion and keep moving towards it.

Upon receiving his wisdom and advices, I stayed put for about a week. For some reason, I used to go through the following cycle - Get disappointed, go to Srinathan and the group, they used to give me some advice and after a week I get back to them with newer doubts and frustrations. The motivation which he gave seldom lasted for more than a week. My doubts were varying from why are we not sending/writing more articles, why am I not getting any financial support from Srinathan, why were we not getting a half TA in ToC  - For some reason, I was extremely disappointed that I never got an half TA; even though I never took it for monetary reasons ( Now in hindsight, may be I wanted to trouble Srinathan for some reason or the other! Destiny had it.). My frustrations also extended to my inability to find him and vent out my frustrations (basically arising from lack of opportunities to vent out frustrations).

There were times when we used to discuss the fortunes of various teams in IPL at length. We used to enumerate the various strategies teams should follow. It was in one of these discussions Srinathan took a tutorial for me on how to calculate the net run-rates and the use of duckworth lewis system in cricket. It was around this time he proudly conjectured the following for T20 cricket - “Teams either do well in the first 10 overs or the last 10.” What he means by this is: Say a team has scored 100 in first 10, then they very rarely go on to match their performance in the next ten. His conjecture was spot in the current IPl (in case, you are following it).

As the summer digged in, things got a little hotter. I had been to home for about 20 days. Upon being there, I was subjected to some pressure and at the same time, I did feel a little non-amateurish and started feeling - Should I not relieve dad from this duties? Given that he was a part of a big family(which was the case in India till 30 years ago) and had been carrying the family for nearly 25 odd years. There was a rush of blood and it firmly told me that I should take over the responsibilities. I should accept that I did feel a little emotional after being at home for nearly 20 days and after looking things from a close quarter. As a son, I wanted my dad to take a break  and have some time for himself! I thought - it is time for me to stand up and let dad be taken off all the burdens. It was at this point that irrespective of what was happening in the background, I decided that should take up the job at google. I didn’t think about Amazon as the director wanted me to there for at least an year and a half - he felt if was to join and leave in less than an year then it will be sheer waste of, both, time and money from both parties.  So, I came back and convinced Srinathan of my responsibilities and took up Google (Did I really?).  Srinathan was supportive and said - look, it does not make much of a difference in which path/option you take - just that once you make a choice you have to be responsible. Remember that, once you have made a choice, you will have no choice but to abide by it.

I joined Google on June the 23rd.  Let me tell one thing - the first 3-4 days when you take up a job will  (seem to) be the best days of your life. You will be extremely charged, proactive, seek and understand newer settings around you. Life seems beautiful and you feel as though as there is nothing that can beat this! There will be a spring in our step. The initial enthusiasm reaches a peak after 3-4 days and starts dipping slowly. However, you shall experience a local maxima on the days when you receive your first salary. Its a week or two after you receive second salary the excitement starts to dip at alarming rates. This is the folklore around usually when you get into a job and the advice I got my bro. No, No. I didn’t stay so long. I was hardly there for 10 days! My experiences there were something like this - I felt like I was in the matrix. I felt was being bred only to do one thing - sit and code with hands on the keyboard and brain in the locker. I for the first time in my life felt like a broiler chicken being bred/raised only for one purpose. I should admit here that it was a scary experience for me. It was nearly 3-4 days into the job and it was then I realized the value of a university environment and its benefits. This along with compelling reasons from family front led me to hand over a resignation to my manager. As soon as I got out, let me tell you, the feel was tremendous. I felt free and once again back to my old irresponsible self. For some reason, at least for me, I feel great to be devoid of any pressures/deadlines. I realized it was  high time I need some rest and possibly restore my brain to its original (factory) settings - What better place of restoration than in momma’s lap. So, I left that every day and stayed with my momma. I spoke my heart my out of my experiences to my momma and as any other momma - she embraced me and helped me to restore myself.

It was in one of those days after I returned, the mind again started to play games with me and it started making ugly comparisons like - why did you leave and  look what you have become - leave the air-conditioned environments (my lab IS not air conditioned even now!) but you are even struggling to get some decent food (while there every inch was stuffed with food). There were also various other trivial things which troubled me. For instance, I always believed in - “Those who can teach, should.” It is for this reason I felt Srinathan should take better courses and give more to the system. It was also around this time, the students receive a mail from Prof. Sangal on the success of parliament and the differences between true freedom and manmani. I tried to convince the group about the various fancies  I was having in making IIIT a better place and my objections to the mail sent by the director. In short, I was trying to convince the group to assist me in my revolts. And in one such discussions which lasted for nearly 3 hours - me, Pranav,  Anuj and Srinathan rigorously discussed the various shortcomings with the students on one side and the Prof. on the other. Srinathan is such a good debater that it is usually impossible to beat him at any point. And As usual I failed in my attempts and hence the mail which you see in the first paragraph of this post (which I sent to the group when the frustration reached its limits)! This was such a feature for me in my days at IIIT - I get frustrated at various things happening around and vent it out at Srinathan and he shows me a different view/understanding all together . The latest one in the farewell (couple of days ago) and I reach him - he does something and my frustration(negative energy) is out and I am filled up to brim with positiveness(A post will be dedicated to a collection of such instances).

After I sent the mail, Srinathan immediately calls me up and says, “Dear Prasant: Let me tell you one thing. IIIT is nothing but what you are. IIIT is a reflection of what you are. If you are positive, IIIT appears to be a good place. In case, you are negative IIIT appears to be  dooming. Its all about your perceptions. Look at the brighter side - where else can you go to the directors/deans - blast them and still come out smiling. Tell me one thing - When you were doing various things in ToC and were rubbing your whims on the students - did the system object? At IIIT, if you have the conviction to do something everything is possible. IIIT can be only as good as its students. Rather, IIIT is its students! There are limitations and constraints for everyone -even the very best in the world have (had) them. So, I suggest the following - Lets revoke the spirit of SToC which was there last year and see what will happen. And as I have said in the prequel - Can I tell him a NO? 

It was september and we had nearly 70 days to go. We again sat down and figured out what needs to be done. The journey had begun again. This time however we decided to work from a individual plane (unlike daily meetings as was the case last time (refer part 4)). It was in one of these interactions - Srinathan passed his infinitude of wisdom about SoP’s (statement of purpose), What each of the Ivy league universities expects from the applicant and the founding principles of each of these modern age temples. More on this in the next post.

Next up: Things leading to SToC 09, filling the MIT application.

It was one of those SToC discussions. The discussion kept going on and on. We would usually end at 9:00pm but on this day we were so deeply involved that we lost track of time until Srinathan gets a call from him his home and stick from his mom for working late into the nights, thereby disturbing his biological clock and appetite. However, me  Anuj and Piyush continued with our pursuits into the unknown. By the time Srinathan left and we decided to call it a day, each of us was completely drained and more than that we could also feel the pain. No, no .. not the mental pains or the pains that we usually encounter in our life at college. This was literally physical. We could feel the aches by a mere look at our exhausted faces inching to get back and crash into bed. It was at this point, I see a skeletal like structure(which reminded me of Gollum), towards the end of the corridor in a shallow beam of light. This creature was not just walking towards us but, indeed,  approaching us in a funny way(probably even dancing). Over somemore time, I was also able to hear a husky voice and as it came towards me it got louder and I would say very loud, clear and distinct. It, however, took me a while to realize that it was singing the following: “korbo lorbo jeetbo re, korbo lorbo re jeetbo re, jeethbo re”   - the theme song of  Kolkata Night Riders. He was full of  energy and was literally dancing. He comes up to Anuj and gives him a hug.  Let me tell one more thing about myself -  I hate showing any emotions publicly, more precisely public displays of affection. Upon looking at this act of his, I tried to avoid him. But, he did not give me any chance to dodge his hug. Anuj says, “What dadu, you seem to be busy these days, Deek nahi raheho.  Looks like Dada is sacked from the one day squad!” And this guy replies back in a confident tone - “He will be back.” It was when I realized that Pranav does something else apart from giving speeches, framing policies and sitting before a computer reading politics and other stuff on e-governance. But, I was too tired (at that point of time) to even have a word or two with him. However it was, at least I would say so, the start of a new age for me. The beginnings of the Pranavian influence on me. Influence on all fronts  not limiting to any specific topic/issue. For the next 12 to 18 months, he literally teaches the different perspectives (ways) the world has and how to understand and corelate the different interpretations of a single incident — “Ekam Sat, vipra Bahuda Vadanhi” — Truth is one, but it can interpreted in many ways.  It was an emphatic experience all through. It was during this period, saw a lot of him. He claims, himself, to a very romantic fella (I never understood on what grounds :P). There are several other interesting things which  I have unearthed about Pranav during this phase (more in the sequel).

On that fateful evening, after my encounters with Prof. J, I was completely down and out. I was basically shell shocked at the indecent comparisons drawn by a senior Prof, holding an office of responsibility. I think, even during the meeting I was baffled and astonished;  the smile towards the end of the meeting on my face was a signature of resignation. Resignation to the fact that even highly qualified, experienced personnel do err and can lose their temperament. In those low times, I ran into Pranav. By a mere look on my face, Pranav could see there was something that was troubling me. I narrate him the entire incident and then I start giving my interpretations of the incident. All my attempts were basically aimed at finding faults on the side of the Prof. J. I started flaming him and rather more than that, started making him a scapegoat for all my misfortunes. It was at this point of Pranav interrupted me and says, “Why don’t you look at the entire incident in the following light — Just look at what Proj J sees. He sees you as a student who is interested in academics(based on your articles, decent CG, good performance in placements etc.). At the same time, he sees that you are highly unstable? Why? You were never with the same professor for more than 4-5 months. Look at this entire scenario from the eyes of a third person — He sees, you have an urge to do well but for some reason you are extremely indecisive . And I hope you are aware of the Hamlet by Shakespeare in which the lead role is plagued by indecisiveness. His indecisiveness took him to such an extent that he even doubted his existence(to be or not to be; that is the question). Look my dear fella, indecisiveness is a crime, its a disease. However, there is very little doubt that the analogies made by him are horribly bad and may be even ridiculous. But for me, you have to take the intent and leave the rest. One thing that is sure is the fact that Prof. J cares about you. For otherwise, he has got time to do better things rather than call you into his chamber for 45-50 mins and give his piece of wisdom for you. His intensions should not be doubted. However, I suggest you should send a mail to him, indicating that you understand what Prof J meant for speak. And then tell me that the execution could have been better. You should certainly make a point to him.” Upon the inspiration received, I sent the following mail to Prof. J –

Dear Sir,

I am deeply grateful for the concern that you have for me. All along during our discussion yesterday, I could not understand the reasons as to why our meeting went the way it went. I tried thinking about it, and in retrospect these are a few thoughts which occurred to me and I felt I must share with you:

Firstly, I felt that you wanted to put me on my guard about being indecisive, and the high penalty one may have to pay owing to indecision. I am greatly indebted to you for the concerns that you share for me. Perhaps the best example of indecision leading one’s own doom is Shakespeare’s Hamlet. I will be extremely cautious and would like to avoid any amount of indecisiveness in future.

Secondly, I would like to mention that throughout my interviews at Google and Amazon, I have firmly stated my stance to the interviewers that I will not join them if I were to pursue my higher education and I am attending the interview as I have not made up my mind as yet. The interviewers were fine with my predicament, and I think that though I broke the rules of IIIT-H in their letter, I feel I always respected their spirit.

Finally, I beg to differ with your analogy of Changing Professors to marriage relationship and then changing wives;  I rather think a chameleon changing its colors, in search for a best environment to spend its time,is better suited for my case.

Thank you, once again, wholeheartedly for your concern and care for me.

Yours Sincerely,
Prasant Gopal

Apart from this , I could not respond to him in that meeting as I did certainly break the rules at IIIT (in various forms like skipping BTP viva’s etc.) and hence I thought that firing in that meeting would just make things worse for me and hence, I preferred silence to some form of attack. There was a small story which Yaso keeps telling me often. The best part of this story is that it has multiple take home points. He starts as  follows -

Dear Prasant, let me tell you the story of a small bird. This small bird goes for a ride over the high mountains. However, due to fierce cold winds suffers a frost bite, gets paralyzed and falls down into a small settlement at the foot of the mountains. The thoughts of the bird go as follow - Ohh… God. What a miserable state to be in. In the harshest of the winters, I fall from the highest of the cliffs and now the shivering. In this setting, a bull dumps its dung on this little bird..plummb. The birds situation gets worse, its already shivering and amidst all this, now being submerged in a pool of dung. But alas, its not all that bad is it? The bird felt. It started reveling in the warmth of the dung. Unable to contain the excitement, it immediately stuck its head out of the dung and started singing ..lala lala lala.. (happily). Upon hearing this song a cat (nearby) came  up to the bird, observed it keenly, caught hold of it, gave it a wash in a splash of water and (chepauk…) dropped it into its mouth! And I ask, “So?” And Yaso says, “Thats the end. This story emphasizes the following points” -

Point 1: Not everyone who has put you in an uncomfortable position or made your state miserable is your enemy.

Point 2: Not everyone who has made you feel comfortable is your friend. Never know what is in store for you.

Point 3: When you in a miserable state (that is, when you are in deep shit) you should shut your mouth and sit. Especially, avoid singing :P

Even till this day, I am awaiting a response from Prof. J for my mail!

It was around this time, we as a group started reaping the (harvest) efforts of our training period and workouts. We were able to get an interesting and a fundamental result. Buoyant from the fresh success, we started aggressively on newer fronts and in new directions. For the next month or so, we decided not to meet as a group anymore and rather, try to work on problems at an individual level.

In this sem, I was totally satisfied with my performance as a TA. We were able to give an excellent course to students. It was at this point, I felt I understood the gaps in the system. I realized the missing links. I was desperate to tell my fellow students about the lessons I learnt. I was also keen that they would not be making the same mistakes which I have committed. I have done all the hard work and all I wanted was the right occasion. It was a precisely at this point, Sri Harsha Bavirisetti came up to me and asked me to speak on the occasion of the farewell of 2008 pass outs. I couldn’t hide my happiness. It was the opportunity and I wanted to use it carefully. All I wanted was a stage to set myself on fire!

On the day of farewell, I managed to put up a decent effort in. The theme I chose was the following - “Avoiding mediocrity in at least one aspect of  life.” Along the way, I also touch my experiences as a TA and also “On what ails the courses at IIIT”.  For the sake of completeness, I intend to post the “farewell speech” as a follow up(almost immediately). I also feel that after having read the entire  sequence of events from my side, the readers will be in a better position to appreciate the sense in which it was made. A copy of the same is here

As the farewell fever subsided, the excitement of the batch trip took over. We were all rearing to go. I was expecting to have a blast after a relatively successful year and also the fact that most of us would be dispersing as per their priorities. So, it was an emotional one as a well. I was making plans at full throttle. It was a trip to the north of India. It includes stops at Shimla, Kullu, Delhi and Agra. It will be my first experience to go to a place and witness snowfall. I was totally excited. Me and Ravi go for a shopping and get the necessary things. Everything is ready. We shall be leaving tomorrow! It was at this point things turn ugly and I drop out of the batch trip on the penultimate day! Why did it happen to me? Do I hate fun and the excitement? Or am I a moron who can’t tolerate so many people enjoying? Was I summoned by Proj J or someone else (recall that sofar, I haven’t started Compilers project)? Or is there  another twist in my story?

Next up .. Summers 08

  I can feel it. Feel it rather strongly. It all started in the 2 BTP viva. The viva never seemed to be ending — I tried to explain the definitions and the problem statement to the panel at least 3-4 times and just before I left the room I told the panel the following, “Dear Prof’s I expect the panel to at least go through the report I submitted 2-3 days ago! If at all, you spend sometime on these reports before the viva voice; it will be greatly easier for students.”  To which, Prof. Bezawada says, “Prasant, we get the reports only 2-3 mins before the viva, so there is not much that can be done.” And in the heat of the moment, I say, “Then, why are asked to submit these reports and that too on paper(when a simple e-print would suffice if at all archival was the sole purpose) and left the room.”  But I had never imagined at the moment, the seeds of disbelief towards the entire process to sprout. The seeds which were sown deeply in my head went through an unsupervised growth and burst out as harted towards BTP’s and BTP’s viva’s in particular. For some reason, I was totally unconvinced by the process and all that hate was spit out in Prof. Kishore’s Cabin that day. 

After that incident though there was peace at heart, the road ahead seemed gloomy (rather I did not see any road ahead).  There was onething in the last sem (6th), however, that I did with full intent. That was the TAShip and I had one person, in Dr. K. Srinathan, who had trusted me to such an extent that he gave me complete rights over his course. And I was sure I did not put him off completely. There were numerous occasions during the TA when we sat and discussed. Most of the times, these discussions were rather arbit and did not have any specific direction/orientation. There was one specific discussion (proabably the only one in which we went technical), however, in which (myself and Bhavani  were mere spectators) he showed some magic and said the following, “Prasant, if you solve this problem on graphs, then we shall have a breakthrough!” At that point (probably because of abundance of options), I never paid any heed to that. Destiny, you see, takes you to  the most unlikely places and puts you through uncharacteristic scenario’s.  

However, probably not surprizingly, the problem turned out to be really tough one to crack.  I sat for hours  together and there was no progress.  Hours turned into days, which in turn into months. There was not an onuce of progress. And as usual, frustration had better of me. I was so frustrated that I used to be looking around the campus for Dr. K Srinathan, in an attempt to find him and give back some of the frustration to him. More often than not he would not respond.  I think that, it is in this process,  I caught the habit of going for long walks towards the Motorola building in an attempt to find him and the habit stuck on. It was not uncommon to find me in that corridor. It was in one of those interactions that I shouted at him saying, “Hey, Whats wrong with you and this problem? Both of them aren’t responding. It has been months since I was sitting on it and it is as stubborn as you are if not more!”  Srinathan gives back a smile to me and follows up saying, “Dear Prasant,  you need to keep pushing yourself notch by notch upto the ultimate, to the optimum.  You need to get the immersion and more than that the urge to know the answer from the nature. Why immersion? Remember that one can find valuable things only if you venture into the deep sea. By swimming in the shallow waters alone, you cannot find things which are of any decent value. It is only by immersing deep into the problem/area you can get valuable things. Let me tell you a small analogy” –

Why someone is asked to go and live in Himalayas for, say, twelve years is not because if they live in Himalayas the rocks would give them something. It is because he is even willing to waste his life for twelve years , with all kinds of hardships, just to seek Truth about something. If that kind of immersion has come, that man is very close. In a way, it is literally wasting your life. When the whole world is eating well, drinking well and enjoying themselves, you are sitting there in the cold and chanting, “Shiva, Shiva, Shiva”, knowing nothing might happen. If you live there for long enough, you may come to know. Shiva probably will not come and bail you out. In spite of that you stay, because most important thing in life is something else (that is, to train the mind). When that immersion comes in, it does not take twelve years. In one moment, it can happen. This can be the moment.  For instance, Chandrasekhar limit was derived by Chandrasekhar, when he boarded the ship to UK, in about 10 minutes. Its all about the immersion. And nature tests your patience. In my opinion, once nature is convinced you deserve to get solution you get it. Patience is a virtue.

Now, he goes on to explain his philosophy of giving a free hand to students. He says,”India is a big country. It is a developing nation. In order to get the status of a developed nation one of the prerequisites is - Atleast 3% of its population should be researchers.  As of current statistics, less than 0.2% of out population are researchers. Hence, in the current state, it is of utmost importance to create researchers from students rather than make students do research.  It may be possible to make students do research under pressure but it is certainly not plausible to force him to become a reasearcher.  One way to create reseachers is to allow the students to pick up skills and allow them to do things at their pace. It is for this very reason, I give you freedom. Coming back to the problem (which was given to me), I may be able to solve it for you and make an article out of that. But (as a faculty) my objective is not to write an article,  rather it is to groom you in a way so that you can generate new problems, solve them and become a cause for innovation.” 

There was some light as the  summers came to an end; we were able to solve the problem (although partially) and communicate it. The way we wrote that article (overnight)  and posted it just right at the deadline  in a thrilling and an action packed night was a memorable incident to recollect. We(Me, Bhavani and Dr. Srinathan) set out to write the article at around 4:00pm in the afternoon with the deadline at 2:00am in the night. We had to write 10 pages and we somehow managed to finish it by 1:50. That was when we opened the submission portal and it read as follows — “To submit your article, insert the article(as pdf) in the body of the mail and send it to blah.blah.” For me it was a shock, as I never ever heard of inserting an pdf file in the body of the mail!” We started googling so as to get some hunch about the entire process. We are racing against time. At around 1:57, Srinathan came rushing and says, “We need to use the mail command in the Unix environment and can do the required job.” In the nick of time, we uploaded!  Believe me, we didn’t have time even to upload a second version. All of us chilled down and I still remember Srinathan slept in Ritesh’s room. I had to do a night out as the very next morning there was course registration. I went around 6:00 to room and joined my group to begin my 7th semester after some cool summer showers.

In the 7th sem, I was the Computer Programming TA. I was entrusted with the task of managing the evaluator. Again, it was a job i accepted after some thought. To admit, I was not so comfortable with scripting, php, python and other necessary background required for managing. It was for this very reason, I have decided to take up this task. If at all, there is one thing I have learnt in my 6th sem was the following — “Unless you put yourself out of your comfort zone, learning cannot happen. If you are really intent to learn something, then the very first step is to make yourself uncomfortable and face a couple of failures.” In Dr. Srinathan’s words, “If you want to build a 6 pack, you have to fit a weight and break a muscle or two. Irrespective of how many trainers you see working out, unless you send a signal to your brain that the current muscle is not sufficient, you cannot build new muscles.” So, I took it up. I did however took help from Sairam. I take this opportunity to thank him wholeheartedly for putting up with me.  Throughout this sem, I never thought about my BTP. I just left it untouched and moved it into the cold storage!

After the submission of the article, I was back to my wayward ways. The frustration was back, the calmness was missing. It was at this point, I was requested by Aniket (if am not wrong) to be a member in a panel discussion. It was one of those days in which I was in full flow. I made several sweeping statements like — Boring nature of classes, ridiculing the notion of a no computer day, also claimed that in order to get an A a 2-3 hr preparation before the exam is enough for most of the courses, I went on to ask for a examination board in IIIT and  so forth. The questions, however, were never answered. I was at least happy for myself that I made an attempt to pose questions. 

Within a week’s time after the panel discussion, I got the sweet news of the acceptance of the article we sent in the summers. I should accept that I was on cloud 9 for about 10 days. I achieved what I set out for. I met prof. Govindarjulu and in a jovial mood conveyed to him that he has bite back the words/challenges he gave us in the class. He was happy but, when I was about to leave he stung me back saying, “You still haven’t got your compiler’s grade! I think I should you an F.” I grinn at him and reply back saying, “Yes, sir. It is on the way.”  All was well but I turned aimless again. There was however, one thing lying deep at my heart. The major part of the article was written by Srinathan and even though I can claim a slice of share but I was, in a sense, overwhelmed. 

It was at this point, my life started getting some direction and purpose. Srinathan brings up the concept of writing for another conference SToC (Symposium on Theory of Computing). As a I have told you earlier, ToC is one my first loves and also the prospect of writing an article which addresses a problem which was totally conceived and solved by you was too much of a lure to resist (also given, the recently tasted success of submitting an article and the overwhelming feel which was planted after the initial success).  I didn’t think so much when I accepted to take up the task, however, for me it was  a blessing in disguise.

It was at this point, I started to work out of my skin. It was period I slogged. For the next 100 days, we planned to meet regularly at specific times; sit, discuss and create new problems. In each of these days  Srinathan, Anuj, Piyush and me, sat from 11:00am in the morning and only left after 9:00pm. We were so very involved that Srinathan used to accompany us to the lunch at either NBH/Yuthaahar very day. We used to sit and brainstorm on various aspects of computer science. We mostly take this path– Someone makes a conjecture and others around try to prove him wrong by giving/generating a counter example and we would keep iterating over and over again till we reach a point of no return. It was in these discussions, the seeds/origins of the ‘current day me’ were sown. These were vital months for me. The process/schedule was highly demanding. I think it was this heavy process/schedule changed the stars for me. The key thing was sticking to the schedule and making yourself uncomfortable. The result of this process was that the I had enhanced my skill-sets and more than anything else the temperament of problem creation and problem solving. I am actually finding it tough to pin down on what was gained.  What I am, probably, trying to emphasize the effect of reaching a goal along a proper path. The exact word is probably ’sadhana’. To emphasize the advantages of reaching your goal in the hard way, I have a story(there are many versions of the same, but this version is attributed to my dad) –

On a hot, humid afternoon, Yaso set out on his usual tour of Abids, koti, X roads and Gandhi Medical College. Along the way, somewhere near Lingampalli he saw a tall tree. As soon as he saw the tree, he could not resist his natural instincts  of climbing a tree and reaching its top(Sorry Yaso, I had to reveal your origins). He tried several times, but in vain. There was a bull, standing beside the tree. The bull upon looking at Yaso, it could not help itself but burst into laughter. Embarrassed by this entire scenario, he gave it another attempt. But alas, this time he fell at the feet of the Bull. Moved by the entire situation, Bull offered Yaso a solution, which goes as follows — Dear Yaso: if your sole objective is only to climb atop of the tree, I can suggest you something. There is a shortcut to reach there — Eat my shit and the very next moment you will be on the top! Without wasting a split of a second, Yaso grabbed a mouthful and reached the top. But, because of his overweight could not balance himself and fell down with a bang. Unable to control the frustration and anger he charged towards the bull. Bull, being a calm customer, started elaborating Yaso on why he fell down. Bull said, “Dear Yaso, You can take some shit and scale the heights, however you can stay at the highest level only if you have put in the efforts and sustained the necessary hard-ships.” From that day, Yaso realized the importance of choosing the correct path to reach a target.

The results in terms of tangible (visible) output was really poor. On the day of submission, Dr. Srinathan reviews what Anuj and I have written and literally spits fire. This was the first time I saw the other side of Dr. Srinathan and in that state — I feared to look into his eyes! It was similar to a genuine anger of a mother towards her child when the child, say, does something very silly and utterly stupid. He says only a couple of sentences, “Whom are you trying to fool? Is this a proof?” And then there was pin drop silence for about 10-15 mins. After some more time, He suggests we shall not write for this conference and moves into his usual style. Dr. Srinathan, while in his usual self, is jovial and keeps cutting jokes at will and also trying to pull the legs of our beloved Senior(Piyush) and ofcourse, Das. Ironically, most of them are PJ’s ! 

Though I gained a lot during that phase, there was a unhappy feel about the flop show put up on the match(conference) day. And as you have seen time and again, when ever there was a sense of frustration in me, there was a reaction somewhere. This time, it was in the Computer Programming. In the lab test, few students fare badly and send the following mail to Prof. Kamal –

Dear sir,
         During the recent end semester lab exams, I found pupil who are not sure of declaringa 2D Array and not confident of even the basic constructs in C Programming. I morally feel responsible for their state. I feel, I am guilty of ruining the beauty of a course for a group of 240 students. I personally feel that I have failed in disposing my responsibilites as a Tutor and also not living up to the standards.

I, hence request you to stop the payment being directed towards me and also if possible, allow me to debit everything that I have received till now in this package. I am exteremly sorry for the inconvenience caused to you as a result of this. I hope you understand my decision. It has not been easy for me to take such a decision, but I hope you will appreciate it considering the trauma that I went through before eventually taking such a decision.

 Yours Sincerely,
 Prasant Gopal

And pat comes the reply from prof. Kamal –

Dear Prasant,

I would not feel the same. I will be pauper if I feel responsible for all students performance. We should see it in a perspective.

I think each one of us have done our best, and the student who has not performed well has not taken all the help he would need.

Let me tell a story: There was this person traveling in a boat, and there was a big storm, he puts his faith in God and says God will save me. During this time he sees all tortoises swimming back to land and gesturing him to turn back, then he sees a fisher man asking him to get back, then he hears wind blowing asking him turn back, but he does not  go back stating God will save me. Unfortunately, the boat sinks and he expires and faces God, he asks God ‘Why did you not save me?’ God says, I came as tortoise, fisherman, and wind asked you to get back, and you did not. What more could have I done?

Unless until you have taught them a concept wrongly or misled them, it is not your fault only for their performance, it will be first and foremost mine.

So, I would not take that much into heart. But I will provide them support to take help from whomsoever they can without feeling inferior or incapable.

best,
Kamal.

It was a landmark moment for me and more than anything else a realization in, “There is only so much any one can do!” For me, it was a lesson to carry for life. 

Into the 8th sem now, I was the TA for ToC again. It was placement blues for most of my friends. For me, I was so certain that I would not sit for placements that I did not pay my placement fees. For some reason, I had hard wired into me that I would not sit for any company other than Google. Truly speaking, I myself never stood such a stand. Most of the times, I would decide on my instincts! And it was one decision. I had performed a well-left on Microsoft and DEShaw. I was however braced for Google which is up next. So, as a test run I wanted to sit for Amazon. I cleared the written and interviews. The last round was a HR round in which to my surprise the following happens: The director of Amazon, hyderabad turns up and says, “Dear Prasant: We are not sure if you would join us. I think we cannot give work, which suits your profile. You seem to be having a focus on research. We do a lot of work, but I wonder if it will be appealing for you. So, I suggest that you visit us sometime, have a look at our services and the systems and then come to a decision.” Upon hearing this, I was dumbstuck! There was no reaction and it took  me atleast 2 -3 days to come to terms with myself. I was baffled at a sudden upsurge at the respect been shown for my qualities and work. Even before, I was completely out of the shock. I got a shock of my life when I cleared Google as well.  I was shocked for one particular reason, typically in Google’s interview’s you are supposed to code on the spot. But for my luck, I was not asked to code and for that matter I wasn’t even asked a pseudo code.  Along these lines, I have to consider myself lucky. I think the training that I went through had great effects during the placement season. 

Prof. K calls me and suggests, “Now that you are placed, you should go ahead and collect your degree. It will be good if you do that. That will be an end of a chapter.” So, in order to get through my BTP I meet Prof. I and explain my situation, to which he says, “I will take care.” After a fortnight, I see Prof. I in his cabin and he tells me that my file is with prof. J and I have to see me. I wait for Prof. J and as soon as I enter his room –

Prof. J says, “You are the worst student I have seen. And if someone asks me how a student should not be - I have a perfect example in you.  You will be the first example I choose. Do you understand what you have done?  What is wrong with you? Do you understand the relationship between a professor and a student. It is similar to one between a husband and wife. And you kept moving and changing professors. You were with Prof. Kamal, Prof. Govindarajulu, Prof. Prosenjit and now Dr. K Srinathan? What is wrong with you? You have committed a sin. For me, you are no different from a husband  who goes on swapping  and changing wives. Shame on you.”